Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

Haha good job!!

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.