Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Only Americans understand

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

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[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.