She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol