She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
August 8
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights