She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
The future is now.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
