She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I get distracted pretty eas
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
dutch so unserious
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it