She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.