She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
There’s only one good girl here!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates