She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
True
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening