Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

I have taken up painting

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells