Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anarchy

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

I identify as an antique shop.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

I have never related to a cat more

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used