Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are too funny not to post 😂

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

That’s it.I’m out.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

🎉🥳

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing