Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Siri, fight Alexa.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

LMAO

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.