Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.