Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.