She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch