Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Livid.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”