She knows her part so well!
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The glory of fall.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.