She knows her part so well!
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs