She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Perfect
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”