She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
You Might Also Like
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.