Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.