Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Cold.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.