She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue