She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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Bros before Ohioes
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Sex so good you see dead people.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁