she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
This is my cat’s medicine.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned