she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”