she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”