she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“Sheer Arrogance”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs