She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
rest in peas
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.