Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Whoa 😂

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”