Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

that wasn’t the question

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.