“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
They’re stuck in your pants?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.