Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.