She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.