She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance