Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.