Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

This sounds bad:

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

can’t wait til they legalize outside

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Spell check is for lasers.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4