She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though