Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.