Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of