Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

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The Chosen Phew

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?