she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.