she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Y’all ready for this
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.