Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

look scared

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.