Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

good news everyone

I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis