The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them