She might be a genius
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4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
went fishing caught a bass
Roses are red, you always mattered,
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.