She might be a genius
You Might Also Like
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I did not eat the cake…
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin