She might be a genius
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.