She might be a genius
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The news is so predictable nowadays
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna