I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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My biological clock is wheezing.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.