She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Great acting.. 😂
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My wedding will be open casket.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery