Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

my mom making me talk to relatives

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.