She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan