She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
X-tra spooky blend
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I think I’ll stand
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
That was easy.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Never forget.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later