She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here