She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.