Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

lmao😭🤣

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.