She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know