She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
You Might Also Like
Smells like a challenge to me
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash