Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”