She puts the hot in psychotic
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree