Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

lmaaaaaooooooooo

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school