She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.