She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze