Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

#SCOTUS one-star review

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??