She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
