She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
this is 10/10 content no notes
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish