She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)