Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

I’m not proud

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.