She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Ghost costume 😂
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?