Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

The 4 stages of a family vacation

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish