Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
Me: [winks at camera]
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*