@Mindless4Miles

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

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@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@Home_Halfway

[1912]

ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

@sock_holliday

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@vanillavial

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*