She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.


Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.


how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon


so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell


“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”


[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here


My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone