@Mindless4Miles

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

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@818Newbie

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

@secondofhername

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon

@aligarchy

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

@murrman5

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone