She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Finally, a door that understands me
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me