I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*cough*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
This kid is a star!
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?