@anerdonfire2

She said she liked being choked so I bought her a box of triscuits.

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

@Smooheed

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

@krisv_723

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@imence2

Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.

@murrman5

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha