She said she liked being choked so I bought her a box of triscuits.
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
At best, I might email or text you.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha