Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

good work, detective

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.